The Zeitgeist with Howard Barbanel

    

 The cast of "Breaking Away" and an advertisement for men's bike shorts.

Breaking Away

I’m a bike rider, strictly of the hyper amateur variety, without a shred of pretence at semi-professional status or aspirations. In fact, the bicycle I own is decidedly on the quasi-fuddy-duddy side of the spectrum. It has tires somewhere in between a mountain bike and a serious racer, meaning they are on the wide side. The bike has a heavily padded seat and shocks and I’m told it possesses 15 or 21 speeds, although, generally, I use just three or four of them depending on the level of incline I encounter while pedaling over our mountainous terrain here.

As is typical of many of my generation, I don’t wear a helmet. I know, it’s stupid, might be life threatening or dangerous but I grew up riding more than I walked and somehow thanks to the good graces of the Almighty, I’ve never had any kind of serious incident in more than 40 years on two wheels. Some think it’s kind of a Hells Angels motorcycle gang type of aversion to helmets, or a reaction to government regulation. Really, it’s that I didn’t wear one when I was 15 and don’t wear one now. Not a James Dean or Brando act of passive rebellion against the myriad powers that be – thumbing my nose at The Nanny State. Just benign neglect and feeling like its 1975 every time I get on a bike.

In my travels across the various back Hewlett villages and the back of Lawrence I encounter many serious riders. They have razor thin high-tech bicycles probably constructed of graphite or aluminum or some NASA-type of material. The bikes must cost an entire mortgage payment. They have water bottles with actual places to put them on the bike frame. They wear helmets and most significantly, they wear the latest in latex or spandex bicycle racing attire.

Now, shoot me, but I think that spandex bike attire looks ridiculous on middle aged guys. It’s one thing if you’re really training for the Tour de France or some bona fide Iron Man triathlon but your average suburban Joe trolling around on Ocean Avenue and maybe even over the Atlantic Beach bridge just looks like a middle aged guy in spandex. What must guy’s wives think of this get-up? Why do some people feel it is either de rigueur or a badge of honor to wedge oneself into the kind of shorts that skinny women even have difficulty breathing in? I’ve heard all about wind resistance and aerodynamics, but to be real, how many people can even break 15-20 mph for long stretches? Me, I wear either shorts or sweats and a t-shirt/sweatshirt depending on the temperature and topped by a baseball hat. Again, no pretences, no affectations. This is just to take in the scenery and get the heart pumping. I will never be Lance Armstrong and don’t need everyone and anyone to think I harbor any aspirations of being confused for the multi Tour de France champion.

Bike garb has become a whole industry and some of my friends and neighbors in the shmatte business probably are seething while reading all this. “What, you want to throw thousands of Chinese slave laborers out of a job?” Not my intention here. The goal is to encourage guys over 35 to reclaim a measure of dignity. Would you wear a Speedo at the pool or beach? Probably not. A major beer company even has a funny commercial spoofing a dude in a Speedo who asks for a generic light beer. The hot female bartender tells the clueless fellow that “American guys don’t wear Speedos.” We wear surfer shorts, preferably just above the knees and definitely not skin tight. The only exceptions are Olympic athletes and surfers in wet suits.

All this bike suit spandex stuff got started in Europe, home of the Speedo. Ever been to a beach full of middle-aged Euro guys? Generally not a very attractive sight. Men, I wouldn’t steer you wrong here. Drop the latex and get into basketball shorts. You’ll be more comfortable and your significant others will thank you – moreover – they might actually again want to be seen in public with you and maybe even would take a bike ride with you. Think also, would you wear spandex to the gym?

Finally, while I’m at it – I’m wagering (this is utterly un-scientific here) that many of the spandex guys also wear briefs. Take it from a newly single guy – boxers make for a more sophisticated presentation while affording a lot more breathing room, something critical during hot summer days and nights.