The Zeitgeist with Howard Barbanel

       

Some men have Sugar Baby fantasies but what normal guys want is something like Donna Reed from "It's A Wonderful Life," and maybe some home cooking, although that's optional.

WHAT MEN WANT

Most of my male friends are married. That, as you would expect is probably the normal state of affairs for a 52 year-old. Many of these long-time married guys have no end of ribald bacchanalian fantasies of what my now single life must be like (and what theirs might be like were they unattached). I get peppered with questions about all the supposed legions of young hotties I must be surrounded with, harem or Hefner-style and all the jet-set parties I surely am attending.

There is a delusional vision on the part of many married guys that there is an ocean of centerfold-worthy 25 year-olds just panting and waiting with baited breath for their imminent arrival; that by virtue of their incredible middle-aged manliness, professional accomplishments and Amex Platinum Cards that Aphrodite herself is waiting in the wings. Al Bundy’s improbable imaginings sprung to life.

In earnest fashion, I try and dispel these feverish dreams so as to make them realize that no matter how imperfect their marriages are (and all marriages are by definition imperfect) they’re probably a damn-sight better off sticking with the devil they know, rather than the devil they don’t because divorced life in middle age is not the heaven on earth they think it may be.

First the 25 year-olds: They’re not waiting around even for such reasonably well-preserved specimens as myself. Not the nice, normal, well-adjusted sweet ones anyway. No normal, decent twenty-somethings are interested in geezers on the other side of the big 5-0 (or even of the 4-5). They, naturally, want to meet a nice guy within 10 years of their own age, as they should. Going to parties, clubs or events and trying to hit on these young women is skeezy and unseemly, sort of like the verse from Jethro Tull, “eyeing little girls with bad intent.”

You can get that near-magazine exterior quality girl but it involves money, and a lot of it. For plunking down the Black, Plum or Platinum you can treat yourself to a chimera and a mirage for a short time but you best believe that none of these gold diggers are really into you for you – it’s just a short term lease with no pretense of love that most normal men will become bored and/or disgusted with quickly if they even go this route at all. These aren’t the women you’ll be bringing to the annual synagogue dinner.

One thing is absolutely true however – it is a man’s world in terms of dating at this age. There is a never-ending stream of dates, but rather than some nirvana, in my view it is tedious. I’ve only been at this for 14 months now but it feels like being trapped in the movie “Groundhog Day,” where every day repeats itself on an endless loop. It’s the same first and second dates over and over and over again.

Women north of the big 3-5 tend towards being jaded, burnt-out, filled with a measure of bitterness and ennui. The never-marrieds often have an attitude of “well, I’ve waited this long to get married and because of that that, I’m not compromising on my list of requirements in a potential spouse,” as though this were some kind of singles endurance contest. Things as trivial as the way one cuts his broccoli (or even if one likes broccoli) can rule you out of the running in a nanosecond. You would think that approaching one’s biological point of no return would push women in the opposite direction, i.e., “I’ve waited this long and maybe I shouldn’t have, so I’m going to be more flexible in pursuit of a potential mate,” but you would be wrong, they actually get more obstinate in holding on to their lists and sense of entitlements, paradoxically in opposition to their best interests. Some of these women really don’t want to get married but it’s socially unacceptable to say such a thing, so by erecting insurmountable walls and unachievable qualifications they give themselves an out.

Many of the divorcees, as I’ve written about earlier, have an immediate presumption of guilt, or original sin towards the men they meet – you’re guilty until proven innocent and you’ll have to work real hard to prove to them you’re not a dog. Their ex-husband was a pig and all of mankind will have porcine qualities until demonstrated otherwise.

At most dates I’m subjected to a CIA-worthy interrogation just short of waterboarding where every minute aspect of my life, goals, values, interests, dating history and financial status is scrutinized like ancient Roman priests examining the entrails of sacrificial goats and lambs for signs from the gods. There is precious little just hanging out and enjoying oneself for its own sake because for these women time is precious and time is money. Hence, my tedium.

Most older single women have no sense of what men want (and often they don’t care). So here it is – the big secret – what normal guys want is just someone to be nice to them. That’s it. They don’t care if you’re a rocket scientist or a waitress. They don’t care if you have money or not. Most nice guys marry the woman who was the nicest to them. A little nurturing and empathy thrown in also doesn’t hurt. Food also helps but its not mandatory. It’s really not much more complicated than that. But over-complicating things will turn men off and send them running.

I probably have a more jaundiced view of the dating scene than many men my age owing to the fact that unlike some guys who had a midlife crisis and ran off with the secretary, the stripper, the Twitter buddy or the neighbor, I didn’t want to be here and harbored no desires to chase skirt.

Some women ask me what I want. “Dinner,” I say. “Dinner??” Yeah, just the normal humdrum every day ritual of coming home and having dinner with the same person every evening and having a best friend, someone who actually cares how your day went and who has your back in challenging times. I can’t tell you how many single women have told me this year that that sounds utterly claustrophobic, how it impinges on their need for “space” and “independence.” So therein lies the rub, marriage (a good one anyway) isn’t a part time gig that’s all about you. It’s a full time engagement that requires giving of oneself and opening one’s heart to others. Until a lot of these ladies change and start seeing the world this way, they’ll remain on the never-ending dating carousel, conducting their interminable interrogations which impede intimacy and obstruct the attainment of happiness.